Released April 1st: Thoughtful, Reflective Trump Sincerely Apologizes to Poor People and Immigrants

04.01.2016

For Immediate Release:                                                    Contact: Magen Allen

April 1, 2016                                                                        MAllen@hungerfreeamerica.org

                                                                                              (212) 825-0028 x212

                                                                                              Cell: (509) 741-9845

Thoughtful, Reflective Trump Sincerely Apologizes to Poor People and Immigrants;

Prints Up New Hats: “Make America Contrite”

 
National Association of Short-Fingered Vulgarians Sues Trump

Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump today apologized to low-income people for calling them “morons” and to Mexican immigrants for calling them “rapists.” Said Trump, “Now that I have quietly reflected upon my comments at length, and given this matter deep thought, I sincerely apologize for repeatedly saying things that are not only factually wrong, but are deeply divisive and fly in the face of hundreds of years of the American traditions of freedom and diversity.  I am humbled, and I’m just plain wrong.”

Continued Trump, “Now that I think about all that I have said even more deeply and even more reflectively, I realize that, since my own family were immigrants, it is deeply hypocritical of me to bash immigrants. I have also developed enough self-awareness to conclude that I easily could have been poor myself – due to my horrible business skills that often led to bankruptcies -- had it not been for the amazing luck I had inheriting tons of money from my dad.  That’s why all my new hats will now say ‘Make America Contrite.’”

In related news, the National Association of Short-Fingered Vulgarians announced that it was suing Trump for “giving short fingered vulgarians a bad name.” Graydon Carter then sued Trump and the association for copyright infringement.

In other news:

  • All Presidential candidates decided to halt their fundraising for one week to spend time with hungry Americans instead. The media decided to follow-suit by dropping all its horse race and name-calling coverage of the Presidential race and instead would cover only substantive issues, most notably the fact that 48 million Americans, including more than 15 million American children, struggle against hunger.

  • Just days after apologizing for calling low-income Americans “takers,”[1] House Speaker Paul Ryan withdrew his plans to cut $150 billion dollars over 10 years from nutrition assistance to low-income Americans.[2] The American media also apologized for giving far more coverage to Ryan’s “apology” than to the substance of his “anti-poverty” proposals, which would actually increase poverty.

  • Self-professed “progressive” Brooklyn owners of  multi-million dollar brownstones all warmly welcomed a large homeless shelter into the heart of Park Slope, issuing a joint statement (on recycled paper, of course) saying “It would be utterly hypocritical for people as ‘PC’ as us to fervently oppose low-income income people of color living near us.”

  • The government of Egypt announced that it had turned the ancient pyramids into grain storage units, and thanked Dr. Ben Carson for “giving us this great idea.”

  • Canadian-born immigration opponent Ted Cruz announced that he was deporting himself.

  • Sanders and Clinton supporters effusively praised each other online, pointing out, in a calm, measured, fact-based way, how the differences between their candidates and the opposition were microscopic compared to their differences with the other side.

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[1] Actually, Speaker Ryan did really apologize for calling low-income people “takers.”

[2] Actually, Speaker Ryan’s plans still would decimate nutrition assistance to low-income Americans by $150 billion over ten years. See this fact sheet from the Center for Budget and Policy Priorities : http://www.cbpp.org/research/food-assistance/house-2017-budget-plan-would-slash-snap-by-more-than-150-billion-over-ten