GOP Proposes Liberating Poor Americans from Oppression of Eating


For Immediate Release:                         

April 1, 2017                                   

Contact: Magen Allen:                                                                    

GOP Proposes Liberating Poor Americans from “Oppression” of Eating

Having failed in their attempts to “liberate” 24 million Americans from the “anti-freedom oppression” of having health care, the GOP is now moving to “liberate low-income Americans from the oppression of eating” by trying to slash funding for Meals on Wheels, food banks, school meals, and SNAP (formerly called Food Stamp) benefits.

House Speaker Paul Ryan said: “Our new proposals would liberate tens of millions of Americans from the freedom-crushing burden of having enough to eat. The true meaning of liberty is allowing every American to choose for himself or herself – without the independence-sapping burden of big, evil government – whether or not to eat.  I am absolutely convinced that, massive hunger would be the ultimate sign of the success of freedom.”  Ryan also announced that he was returning to the government the Social Security payments he received when he was 16, saying “Now I realize how oppressed I was myself by getting government help during the most difficult time in my life.”

Said President Donald J. Trump, “A friend of a friend told me that he saw on the Internet a rumor that someone posted that widespread hunger is actually good for hungry people, so who am I to question that?”

White House Budget Director Mick Mulvaney previously said that the Meals on Wheels program is “not showing any results” and "there's no demonstrable evidence they (after-school programs that feed kids) are helping kids do better at school."[1]  

In other news:

  • On the way back from an anti-Trump, pro-refugee rally, a group of New York City liberals protested against a homeless shelter coming into their neighborhood, saying “that’s different.”
  • National Democrats announced advance plans to somehow blow the 2018 and 2020 elections.
  • New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo and New York City Major Bill de Blasio agreed to jointly adopt and cooperatively raise a small, warm, cute, puppy.
  • The news media accidentally, for five minutes, covered the poverty and hunger issues – which impact tens of millions of Americans – instead of Trump’s latest tweet or Kim Kardashian’s newest dress.
  • U.S. Energy Secretary Rick Perry couldn’t remember which parts of his department he wanted to eliminate.
  • President Trump visited an air conditioning manufacturing plant to brag about how his plan to increase global warming would create jobs.
  • Jill Stein voters and non-voters continued to blame everyone and everything – other than themselves – for the nation’s problems.
  • Rachel Maddow took an hour on her show to announce the results of the election of 1896. (Spoiler alert: McKinley won).
  • The Clinton Foundation continued to demonstrate its evil corruption by dramatically reducing the number of people dying from AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis in developing nations.
  • Hunger Free America CEO Joel Berg announced that, unless the political system improved in the next year, it would discontinue its annual tradition of issuing April fool’s Day press release, “No parody could be funnier or crazier than their own reality.”


[1] While these Mulvaney quotes sound like April Fool’s jokes, he actually said them.