Full Mueller Report Leaked: “Finds Collusion” and “Cover Up”

04.01.2019

For Immediate Release                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Contact: Nicole Aber, naber@hungerfreeamerica.org

(212) 825-0028, ext. 212

Full Mueller Report Leaked: “Finds Collusion” and “Cover Up”

Breaking: Actual text just leaked from full Mueller report:

“Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller finds that: from on or about June 16, 2015, the day that Donald J. Trump arrived on an escalator to announce his candidacy for President of the United States, until the present day, Donald J. Trump, the Trump for President Campaign, the Republican National Committee, Paul J. Manafort, Donald Trump, Jr., Carter Page, Ivanka Trump, Roger Stone, Randy Credico, WikiLeaks, Jared Kushner, a Mar-a-Lago pool attendant, the Russian Federation, every Republican in the country,  most Democratic Party leaders, and most of the U.S. news media colluded to focus daily news coverage mostly on crazy personalities and reality-show like trivial developments and obsessed over speculating on the contents of reports not yet produced or not yet published in order to cover up that: 39 million Americans live in poverty, below the meager federal poverty line of $20,420 for a family of three; about 100 million Americans (one in three) live in or near poverty; the U.S. has the far highest rates of poverty, child poverty, hunger, child hunger, and homelessness of any industrialized Western country, even on a per capita basis; 40 million Americans (more than the combined populations of Florida, West Virginia, and all the New England states) are food insecure, unable to afford an adequate supply of food; 12.5 million U.S. children (one in six) live in food insecure households; millions of Americans, including many working parents and children, are homeless; the U.S. has an infant mortality rate triple that of Japan and Norway; the assets owned by the average white U.S. family are 86 times more than the assets owned by the average African American family; and that in 2017, despite the then-booming stock market, the median African American family income decreased in the United States.”

“Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller further finds that Michael Cohen never met with representatives of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) and that RCMP does an excellent job keeping ‘bad people’ from crossing into Canada over their southern border from Canada’s dangerous, crime-ridden, violent neighbor to the South. Also, RCMP have really nifty uniforms.”

“Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller further finds that, when on March 26, 2019, when CNBC declared that a American family earning $500,000 annually (8 times the median family income) and spending $18,000 per year on three vacations thought themselves to be ‘average’ and ‘just scraping by,’ CNBC descended into self-parodying, class-biased foolishness.”

“Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller further finds that on March 22, 2019, when a New York Times reporter wrote a piece absurdly implying that most tipped workers opposed increases in their minimum wages, he was duped by a restaurant industry trade group that misleadingly posed as rank-and-file workers.”

Yet the only truly criminal act found by Special Counsel Robert S. Mueller was the pre-slicing of bagels.

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